Feelings

Going for it… yet again.

I have found myself at an angry place again.

Apparently, angry places make me want to re-visit blogs.

An angry place is not a good place to start anything from, but for me, this has been my motivation. It is almost as if I’ve just grown so annoyed and frustrated with myself for not going after what I truly want.  Yesterday, I realized that in my entire life, I have never gone after anything that I truly want.  My entire life has been a sequence of events that I’ve followed in accordance to someone else’s expectations. Never my own.

In order to get raw and brutally honest real quick: I’ve spiraled down this form of depression in the last few weeks. And honestly, I think I have experienced depression my entire life – at varying levels – but, this time feels different.  This episode of my life feels so much more raw. And painful. And emotional.  Maybe it’s because I’m currently a graduate school student pursing a degree in marriage and family therapy (ha!) and I’ve just learned so much more about depression. But really, my heart just feels broken.  My body feels heavy every morning.  And every.single.thing. I do takes so much effort.  Lots of things that previously used to bring me joy, don’t at this point in my life.  I’m finding that my nights are less and less about sleep and more about rummaging thoughts just swirling through my head.  I feel sad.  And hopeless.

And all of this led me here.  I’m currently laying face down on my bed, I have incense burning to my right and music playing to left.  I won’t tell you what’s playing because it’s something that reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.  I don’t know why I’ve been listening to this for the past 2 days.

I want to utilize this as a tool for me to express myself.  I hope to find connection.  I hope to find love.  Not in a romantic way, just a humanistic kind of real love.  I want to learn to love myself so that I can regain composure and get out into the world that I was so incredibly excited about when I was a little girl.

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